Shall I make it this time? How long is life going to drive me in neutral like this? Where am I going and how long will it take me to get there? If I get off at the next stop, will it be too far from home for me to come back? What if I am already too close to the destination so I shouldn’t be getting off at all?
This articulated bus full of apprehension and hope runs on fear. It seems that life puts the pedal to the floor as soon as suspicions overcome confidence. On this detour from Little Hopelessness to Promised Security, where this line operates, there are no stops. You just jump off it. Nothing is promised where I am heading, certain – even less,and it seems the only way to get there is on foot. There isn’t a shortcut, a direct line or a faster way. The right path is trodden barefoot. There’s no straight away, there’s no easy, there’s no now.
It looks like nothing in life that we care so much about comes easy or free. The only difference is that some people manage to get what they like by paying cash and some people have to pay by calluses, sleeplessness, scabs and uncertainty. I don’t know how, but somehow I knew in advance that what I cared about cost a lot. You can’t buy it at the greengrocer’s or the grocer’s, nor can you buy it from a smuggler, or a dealer or a priest. You wait for it, you work on it, you water it with blind faith, selfish togetherness and love. You can’t buy it. It grows, it is inoculated and grafted. And all of that in a makeshift manner and with ten fingers. Your own fingers interlaced with someone else’s fingers if possible.
I never studied so that knowledge would bring me money one day, but to become better. I never did something in order to benefit from it myself but to bring benefit to others. I never chose people to make myself important in their company, but I chose people important to me so that I could more easily be myself in their company. Guided by all these, when I think about it more, uncertainty is a natural state of being for me.
I’ve got used to not knowing what is going to happen tomorrow, but I’ve learned to believe it is going to be all right. I’ve got used to things changing completely in a day, but I’ve learned to keep the world inside me in balance. I’ve learned that it does not come easy, but I’ve learned it’s got to be. I’ve got used to uncertainty, but I’ve learned to find motivation in it. For if I knew what is going to happen, I might give up. But this way – Never!
Therefore – Uncertainty, my eternal advantage!
Translated from the Serbian by Svetlana Milivojević-Petrović
This post is also available in: Serbian