I had an opportunity to work as a wedding photographer. On average, it happens that every third bride is not pregnant. Those who happen to be pregnant almost invariably have an awful time of it. First their feet get swollen in high heels, then they have swollen joints wearing flats, their corset is too tight, the smell of incense makes them feel sick in the church, they struggle with long dresses… During that ordeal-like ceremony that lasts a whole day, even those who are not pregnant do not have a particularly good time. They kiss who they would not otherwise, smile at those they would rather slap, dance when they would rather sit, are photographed when they would rather hit me with their bridal bouquet.
Most of those who are pregnant at their wedding would not be getting married at that moment had they not got pregnant by mistake. I do not know whether it is more tragic that they would not be getting married otherwise, but are actually getting married, or that they managed to get pregnant by mistake in the 21st century. Wedding couples used to get on planes straight after the wedding and head off on honeymoon, and now they are nine months pregnant and head for the gynaecological table.
Newlyweds are usually so young that they are not capable of taking care of themselves, let alone of a newborn baby. Accidental pregnancy happens either to those friends with benefits or the ones at the beginning of a relationship, and when an abortion is not an option due to a disapproving society, they start singing a new tune, that it is time they got married. A second symptomatic group comprises those in long-term relationships who cannot decide whether they should make it or break it, who resort to thinking that if an unplanned pregnancy happens, it will speed up their decision. Those more mature couples that have their first child by accident later on become parents who similarly have their second child by accident thinking that a new child can salvage their rocky marriage. There are stories about a particular kind of logic that boils down to trying to overcome your marital crisis by accidentally bringing a new life into the world, the new child acting the role of Messiah in the marriage on the rocks instead of being a wanted child.
“Come on, Bogdan, stop that shit, let those children be born, may they be safe and sound, there are only a few Serbs left who could all squeeze under one plum tree.” Ok, let them be born. But the problem is that those accidentally born children do not get the necessary attention and later on end up at the bottom of the river Danube in their BMW cars, beat up some innocent old men, shoot with sniper rifles, crash planes into the Alps…
That is why all of you with your balls bursting with sperm cells and ovaries catapulting egg cells should take better control of your wet crotch or raise those children the best way you can even if they are born by mistake. This is not the way to continue. We smile at you while, although still minors, you act like you are in a serious relationship, we smile at you when giving you cash-filled envelopes at weddings, then we smile at you during that accidentally born child’s christening, come on, people, get serious at long last.
It is easy when one sows and another reaps, and even easier to sow one’s own seeds and make someone pregnant. So, you’d better keep your dick in your pants or wear a condom until you decide you want a child you are ready to give love to. BOTH of you! When you are ready to make that sort of commitment, may you even have five children by accident and may they be healthy.
Translated from the Serbian by Svetlana Milivojević-Petrović
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